It hurts so much

Sometimes, something so horrible happens and it completely changes you. It turns your world upside down and inside out, leaving you with nothing but despair and a broken heart. What’s worse is when your children end up in the midst of it and in pain. As a mother, you want nothing more than to comfort them and take their pain away, but what if you can’t? What if the pain is so deep inside yourself and inside of them that there is nothing either of you can do to make it better except for moving forward.

This happened to me. Four and half years ago. October 7, 2012. Three weeks after my oldest daughter was born. Two months before my son’s 3rd birthday. And there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it. Trust me, I tried. That was the day my husband died leaving me alone with no job, no answers, and two young kids at the age of 22. 

Now, I don’t want to go into too much detail about that day because today, Valentine’s day, is a hard day for me to handle as it is without those memories coming back. Valentine’s day was his birthday. My son, who is now seven, vaguely remembers his dad. He has pictures and my stories of him and a few memories but that is it. 

There is alot about his dad that I haven’t told him either. Like the fact that his dad was an alcoholic or that we had been talking about divorce for two months before he passed away. I want him to keep a happy image of his dad in mind and I always answer any questions he has about his dad.

Today, my son came downstairs and I wished him a happy Valentine’s day. He knew what today was and tells me that it’s his dad’s birthday. I nodded and told him that it was indeed that day. A few minutes later I caught him wiping at his eyes so I proceeded to ask him if he was crying. Being the tough little seven year old that he is he tells me no and that he had something in his eyes. It broke my heart. I knew he was crying and he knew I caught him but we both left it at that.

I didn’t know what to say to comfort him. I just wrapped him in a hug and told him I loved him. What else could I do? This has been eating me up all day. I don’t think I could have done things differently. I’ve moved on as much as I can from this tragedy. My late husband is always on my mind and in my heart but I’ve come to realize that he’s not coming back and that he’d want me to be happy and for the kids to be happy. However, it’s moment like this that makes me wish he had never died. That my son didn’t have to feel this pain and that our daughter knew her biological father…

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